


An Absolution

by raffiel



Category: Da Vinci's Demons
Genre: Angst, Da Vinci's Demons - Freeform, Fluff, Gen, God - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, depressed riario, girolamo riario - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-06
Updated: 2017-01-06
Packaged: 2018-09-15 07:15:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9224555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raffiel/pseuds/raffiel
Summary: If anyone could offer forgiveness, he thought, it would have been the true father of Rome. He was not like his uncle, here was a true man of God; pious and just and betrayed so unjustly. If anyone had the power and right to absolve his sins, it was him. A broken and contrite heart God will not despise. "There will be no end to your suffering, not till the day you die!" Then, he would pay with pain. The only offering that Riario saw fit to give the Lord, was his death.What if Riario did meet God after he died?





	

 

 

**An Absolution**

 

 

The surface of the lake churned like ink in the night. Riario marched dejectedly into his watery grave, his hair clammy with dew. Once, the gentleness of rain reminded him of God's forgiveness. But not this time. It was imprisoning. Riario felt like foam, ready to dissolve into the black waters. That's what he deserved, to be nothing. He had nothing and deserved nothing. His legacy was licking the boots of a tyrannical imposter whose holy robes were stolen from the true pope. When he recounted all he had done in the name of the Church, none of them deserves redemption. The bleak reality started to wrap around his neck, that his life was soaked in the blood of the innocent. _The angels must be appalled._ He remembered how his mother's eyes begged for answers as he squeezed the life out of her throat. When the light left her eyes, a part of him died and he knew it; the cost for an imposter's love and approval. Eventually, cruelty and blind zeal choked his conscience. 

 

_T h e r e i s n o a b s o l u t i o n . ._

 

His heart melted like wax within his breast and he felt like breaking. If anyone could offer forgiveness, he thought, it would have been the true father of Rome. He was not like his uncle, here was a true man of God; pious and just and betrayed so unjustly. If anyone had the power to absolve his sins, it was him. A broken and contrite heart God will not despise. _T h e r e w i l l b en o e n d t o y o u r s u f f e r i n g, n o t u n t i l t h e d a y y o u d i e !_ Then, he would pay with pain. The only offering that Riario saw fit to give the Lord, was his death.

 

_T h e r e i s n o a b s o l u t i o n, n o t f r o m me_

 

The weight of those words alone threatened to sink his entire body into the bottom of the lake. Yet he recalled how the Lord fell under the weight of the cross to bear the sins of humanity.

_If this be my cross, I'm going to pay for my sins._

 

_Y o u s t o o d b y a s y o u r f a t h e r m u r d e r e dm y c h i l d._ _Y o u c o m m a n d e d L u c r e z i a t ow h o r e h e r s e l f i n t h en a m eo f a_

_f a l s e p o p e!_

 

Waves of Guilt coursed through his bones like acid. Even his father's lashing would've been merciful compared to this. But he knew it will all be over soon.

 

_I will bear your indignation if it pleases you my Lord._

 

Riario stood motionless at the heart of the lake. The dark waters gently lapped against his chest, beckoning and inviting him to disappear. There was a deathly quietness that hung thickly above the lake. A quietness of the soul akin to Christ's agony in gethsemane. A bone rattling sorrow unto death. 

 

But a memory, locked away in the forgotten rooms of his heart, resurfaced like an unwanted guest. Zita’s fragrance warmed his heart like a golden ray of sunlight passing through a cleft in a rock. Riario shivered as his mind traced the contours of her face. He wanted to forget her kind eyes for he knew did not deserve to be loved. Yet she was the only one who didn’t see him as a monster, and thawed grace from his hardened heart. Riario's heart swelled, and he became afraid he would feel something. It would be like losing her all over again. Zita's presence was rain upon the hardened soil of his soul and God resurrected him through her kindness.

 

_And I killed her. All for that damned book of leaves._ Riario didn't allow hope to rob him of his penance. Not when he was about to die.

 

His heart pounded against his ribs at the thought of what he was about to do next. He pulled out two daggers from his tunic and hovered its edges at his wrists. He felt his veins curl where the tip of the blades touched his skin. His blood ached for ablution; to be purged from the filth that coursed through his damned veins. _Maybe, God himself will look upon me and have mercy.._

 

"I will embrace your mercy if you grant it, or if you so desire, I will embrace your penance". Riario stared into the peerless night for the last time and felt her atramentous eyes mirror his own soul. The rain grew louder. Like his Lord, he was going to shed his blood at the cross. He was going to die with him. It was the only way.

 

He steadied his heart and kissed the tip of the blade. A swift motion and at once, the serrated edge of the blade scored into his veins. Pain shot through his arms, soon followed by a flood of euphoria as warm blood poured out of his veins. A dizzying warmth permeated through his body as he lost more blood. _Please accept this offer my Lord.._

 

With that final thought, he closed his eyes and threw himself into the water. Everything was quiet now. He could barely feel the wound on his wrists as the blood-loss damaged his nerves. Soon, the waters rushed into his lungs and his body convulsed in agony, as if being pierced by a thousand needles. Streaks of light flashed behind his eyes and his head felt like bursting. Slowly, numbness over took his mind and he felt as though he was being severed from his flesh, from his sins. He felt like he was being baptised from all his filth. 

 

Then the arms of the night cradled his body and everything went black.

 

 

                                                                                                                             xOoOoOoOx

 

"Girolamo"

 

Riario was sure he was dead. But who was calling out to him? 

 

"Girolamo.." it was a voice unlike he had heard before. No one in his life has called out his name so gently, and yet they sound like many rushing waters. Riario found himself unable to turn or move, but he was awake. 

 

"Who, who are you?" Riario asked, but only in his mind, but his lips didn't move.

 

"I am who I AM. The first and the last."

 

Replied the voice so thunderous that it shook Riario to the core. His strength drained and he felt his whole being tremble though he was without body. Then he realised the voice belongs to the one he thought he served all his life.

 

"Truly, you have not served me. You thought you did me service when you killed in my name. You are a man of blood. I never knew you."

 

His words impaled his heart like spears. He never felt so naked and vulnerable as the truth of his life came crashing down like rocks on his head. It would've been merciful if he could gouge out his heart. Though he died, he felt like he deserved another death. 

 

"Oh God I didn't know I served a false pope I.....I am a worm..I.."

 

Riario's head spun and he felt sick. There was no escape from this being. 

Suddenly, a bright speck appeared in the dark, and it grew larger and larger. It was so bright that he felt he was going to be burned alive by the sheer brightness. He was ready to die in the arms of his maker. He was ready to pay for his sins, but nothing prepared him for this.

 

There was weight to the light, each ray a sword. Then he saw what looked like a figure, dressed in white, his face had the appearance of lightning, approaching him. Riario had never felt so threatened in his life, it makes death look tame. This is it, he thought, judgement upon my soul. The being reached out his hands, Riario shrieked in terror as the being touched his head.

 

But the burning fire of judgement didn't come like he expected. Instead the touch brought a gentle condescension, so light was the touch, but so heavy the gentleness it almost smothered him.

 

"But I have seen your tears and heard your cries. Surely I will heal you." 

 

What is this madness? "I don't..I don't deserve to be healed, the things I have done.." 

 

"I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked. I came to this world to heal, not to condemn."

 

"I don't deserve your goodness my Lord, my soul is too blackened with cruelty, let me pay for my sins.."

 

"Riario you fool." The voice said, oddly mild, like a father who meant to correct his ignorant child. Riario looked up. The being before him no longer shone like lightning, he was now wearing a crown of thorns. "That's why my blood was spilled, because you have nothing to pay with, not your tears nor your blood".

 

Riario thought he knew God, but this time, he felt like a complete stranger. These were foreign words and foreign ideas. He spent his life trying to prove his worth to his father, to Rome, to be one mind with God. How many years did he spend on his knees praying the prayers that would absolve him, how many lashes from his father he had to endure to be pardoned from his sins.

 

"I am your father now. Though you are naked, I will clothe you in my righteousness. A priceless garment paid in my blood, proof that you are mine”.

 

“Why?” 

  
“Because my grace has not failed.” 

 

There was no point in resisting this offer. Riario felt his heart melt and thaw at the presence of his true father. Tears he fought finally rolled down his cheek. A word from the forgotten parts of his heart made its way through the painful memories. Its meaning was locked away and abandoned, now wanting to dance and burst forth at the tip of his tongue. 

 

“Father..."

 

At once, he was in the embrace of his true father. Riario melted in the arms of his maker. He thought if God's wrath was terrifying, so was his love. Riario wailed and shrieked at the encounter of a love so pure that he felt like breaking into a thousand pieces, but he didn't care, if he did, he would break into his father's hands. He never knew such love existed, not even under the mighty pillars of the vatican church, where he slaved away as his uncle's dog. Then a mind numbing sense of peace overtook him, and for the first time, time didn't matter. He felt a love so eternal and other worldly. For the first time, he didn't have to move to the left or to the right to earn love. He was simply loved.

 

Then he felt his father's hand reach into his chest and surgically removed his heart. He displayed it before Riario's eyes. His heart looked like it endured the most horrible torture that could ever be inflicted upon flesh. It blistered with blood and boils. There were traces of burnt charcoal and whip marks. How he was alive while that thing beating in his chest was beyond him.

"I'm going to give you a new heart, receive my gift."

Riario saw what looked like a ball of lightning on his father's hand. Then it was hurled on to him and hit his chest squarely. 

A surge of power overcame him that he thought he could die. Bright white blinded his eyes and the figure disappeared. "Girolamo Riario, you were dead and now you have been born again"

 

And everything faded into nothingness.

 

 

.....

 

The smell of wet earth filled Riario's nostrils. His head pounded with pain from all the water he inhaled. Half of his body was washed up ashore. Riario rolled on his back and coughed up water as he tried to breathe. Slowly the throb on his wrists returned, the wound was red and swollen but it was barely noticeable. Riario lay motionless on wet grass, the steady ebbing of lake shore lapped on his body. The sky cleared out and he saw a multitude of stars. For the first time in his life, he felt..clean. He felt physically forgiven, from every pore of his skin to the core of his bones. For the first time, there was room in his heart to breathe. There was a peculiar warmth that resided deep in his chest, not a physical warmth, but something deeper. There was no heat, but it kept his heart full. His body and mind were not used to this, its like being in someone else's body. He became suspicious that he was still alive after such an encounter, if it happened at all. But if all that was a dream, how come he feels so different? Like a stubborn itch, his mind replayed thoughts of his sins. But the weight of the words didn't come. Instead laughter came out. That was really strange. Again, Riario tried to recall the last words his uncle's twin said to him. But the words had no blade to him anymore. 

 

Riario watched the multitude of heavenly bodies that glittered across the night sky and for the first time, they seem to dance. Riario smiled and closed his eyes in peace, content and at rest. 

 

 

..........

 

Note: Alright guys my first fic (Although I published another Da Vinci's demons fic before this, I wrote this one first) Of all scenes, this series, his suicide scene was one of the most memorable, because it resonates at a deep level personally. I guess writing this was also cathartic for me. This entire chapter especially after regaining his consciousness, is mostly based on my personal experience (no I've never seen God but the feeling of breaking to pieces at some kind of encounter and feeling clean to the bones was surely one) and some others' testimony. What drove me to write this is also a curious what if question, what if Riario actually met God? XD 


End file.
